The Angel reading has been going well and I'm mostly just skipping over the words Dear God on the prayers included in the book and just reading them for their intent. This seems to be alleviating the whole God Block for me. Honestly when I pray outright in my more frightened moments it has been to Lady for some time. The concept of lord and Lady always appealed to me because of the balance of genders. For some time also I have considered faeries and angels to be very similar (if not overlapping) entities so now, it is not so difficult to be directly addressing Angels.
A couple days back I reached a bit of a breaking point in an area where I have not forgiven myself for occurrences in the past. I really had to first admit that I did feel at fault because I had been addressing the situation as something where 'I made the best decision I could at the time' and yet there has been so much shame surrounding the situation that I did not find myself able to grieve. Indeed I didn't really realise that until now. So, one evening while cooking dinner found me on my knees in the kitchen crying with emotional pain wracking my entire form. All I could do was ask for help. And I have found myself healing steadily since then.
I have been steadily asking for help at every little bump of negativity since starting the book as it is what the author suggests and if it is Angels or merely positive thinking I am noticing a shift in the energies of the family and myself. I am better able to diffuse my husband's temper moments by not responding to his anger with my own anger (that's a hard one as I immediately feel defiant when his temper rises), am managing to think rationally (for the most part) about my eldest's teen-angst moments and last (but far from least) I am maintaining a far more calm attitude in regards to my youngest children.
I have specifically been asking for their help working with the littlest ones because they are very full of energy and dynamics that are far beyond my expectations. My eldest was far more mellow while growing up. Those who know him may be saying 'no! he was so energetic and bouncy!' and he was, but really in comparison to these two he was definitely less frenetic. Though it could be because they are both so close in age I also wonder about the terminology used by some folk to refer to children of their temperment.
Crystal Children seems to come up often... Certainly I am wary of labels like this though I have in the past considered my eldest to be very much fitting the archetype of the Indigo Child. I do think though that these are mostly just names that we have created to help us better understand the personae which are coming about in this time. Children today are different than children ten, twenty years ago... perhaps this is simply a product of environment?
Still... I had an amazing experience today.
After I made whole wheat pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream for the family for lunch, Yum! I went to lay down with my littlest son who had fallen asleep on my lap. My middle son came up about an hour and a half later and when he came into the room I opened my eyes and at first did not quite recognise what i was seeing. I blinked to clear my vision but the effect remained! His eyes (hazel usually, brown /gold/green) were glowing blue! And really not just the iris but the entire eye, white and all. The effect remained until he turned away and came arounf to my side of the bed. at that point when I saw them again they were back to normal but I have been thinking about it all day!
I wonder if these glowing eyes were a sign of something? Perhaps it's because of where I was when I was sleeping and my vision had not fully returned to this plane when I first woke and saw him. Or if it was something to do with him.
I found this fascinating story...
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2263881.ece
Reading back over what I've written here, it all sounds very spectacular but it's actually mostly mundane. A lot of my healing is realising things that I had not known I had been holding against myself, being calm and regaining that faith i once had which I think, has been having a hard time of it. I find myself thinking of the fact that I do not have any sacred space, have not really had even any personal space, for quite some time. I will be making an alter once we have moved to our new home. This feels wonderful.
I also received an email last night with links to some local mom toddler groups and one which is a hsort walk away so I am going to get up my gumption and actually go to one! In my poorer moments this idea has scared me a great deal but I am determined to do so.
All in all, I am feeling a lot better these days.
Sure, the sunlight helps... but I think the Angels do too. ;)
